Bugger Bugger Bugger Bugger Bollocks, Darling

Today has been a bad day. It rained, work took forever to end and I once again sold nothing. I've just checked my bank balance, and I'll suffice to say, I have never experienced being poor quite like I am experiencing it now. Only one month left of decent pay, and then I shall be busking on the streets.

My catch 22 situation comes in the form of being bored senseless all day so much so my words are merging into one another, instead of saying "the rabbit is about to leap or jump off the sofa", I come out with 'Lump', or 'Jeap'. My tiny brain is so confused by this that I carry on repeating each word until I can figure out how to put them back together, and then which word to choose to say. I have done this about 6 times today. I am so despondent while I'm at work that all I want to do is go home and paint, (a way of possibly earning a bit more money) but when I get home and I'm free to do so, I'm so bloody exhausted from doing my 'nothingness' daily role that I'm too tired to do it. So I can't win. And it sucks. I have also established that I can no longer write properly anymore...it's amazing isn't it? How your brain completely shuts down when it's not being used, and you literally have no words left in your head. So I apologise for my poorly written efforts of late, things just aren't ticking along like they used to.

I am hoping for something to look forward to this week, but really, no matter how hard I search, the best I can come up with is a trip to M&S and lunch with my Mother. Which, in fairness I am quite happy about, as she's been away this weekend with my Father, so there was no nice dinner on Sunday night to consume. I just have to pray that I don't moan about my sorry excuse for a life too much, as I fear I may send her over the edge. Bless her, she worries more than my Nanny, which trust me, is more than a crap estate agent with no job to do right now. So, there we go, I have found something positive, it wasn't that hard now was it Sophie? So cheer up you miserable old cow.

Daftest thing I did today:
Left my toothbrush and toothpaste at work

Best song I heard today:
Bluebell Polka, Jimmy Shand

Thing I missed most today:
My mid-week bottle of wine :(

Best photo I took last week:

Beach Boys and Wine

Oh how I've missed alcohol. After a pretty eventful week, didn't I warn you all? I am now finally able to relax listening to the sound of the Beach Boys blasting out Kokomo accompanied by a very large glass of Chenin Blanc, plus the one before that has already been consumed. I am a little drunk as all week I only had one G&T and one glass of Frascati...which might as well have been water it's so bloody tasteless and weak. Give me a bottle of Hardys' anytime. Anyway, as predicted, I arrived at the airport and after 5 troublesome transactions involving my debit card I started to suspect something. So, there I sat, in the South Terminal of Gatwick with a salmon bagel, longing for the Tom Ford sunglasses I'd just spied, on the phone to Natwest just making sure everything was alright. No, of course it wasn't alright, some complete bastard has nicked 200 quid off me in Germany, so "We'll just cancel your card now Miss Duckworth, and send you a replacement in the post in the next 2-3 days". Well, that's mighty handy seeing as I have no money and now I'm at the airport due to go on holiday for a week with no bloody access to any dough! Irritating issue number 1. I won't go into the issues whilst we were on holiday, because quite frankly I am too tired to re-tell the story of the mysterious disappearing/re-appearing A La Carte restaurant Pizzaria Luigi. But I will say, that I conquered two of my fears, firstly going in the Sea, and no I don't mean paddling up to my ankles, nor do I mean, literally 'going' in the Sea, I actually swam in it. And secondly, my fear of flying. This rather subsided whilst the other half was having a panic attack, it certainly put my juvenile and pathetic 'But what if we crash and die?' attitude to bed. Running through the Park Plus car park in the pouring monsoon rain was great fun however, despite having four hours sleep and going to work the next day only to find out I'd still not sold a house all month. Things are just going swimmingly.

Anyway, who cares? My parents have finally got planning permission, my sister seems relatively stuck into novel #2 now and I have kicked off my shoes, (and uncomfortable/impractical work clothes) to eat yummy proper M&S food and have guzzled down my remaining bottle of wine tonight. Good times!! I am going out on Friday night, and I actually have a tan to show off, yippee!

Broody Bones

I spent 6 hours of yesterday with about 15 adults and 8 children. Needless to say I enjoyed messing around with the kids more than I did having the same conversations with each adult. I am such a big kid, it's ridiculous really, I just haven't ever grown up. I mean where's the fun in that? I appear to have one of those faces too, you know, the one where every child under 6 smiles at you even though you're a complete stranger and thinks you look like a clown. Not sure if this is an attractive attribute or not yet. I think it's nice to be the only 'grown up' who gets passed the sobbing child and actually succeeds in stopping them from crying. They always look at me rather inquisitively, as though I should be one of them, but somehow have sprouted ever so slightly longer limbs, and much longer and more pull-able hair. Oh and jewellery, they can't get enough of silver bangles. I think if I ever have children I'll name one Magpie.

Luckily one of my closest friends has two adorable offspring, so if I need cheering up, I can just borrow one or both of them for the day. This is Livi and Jack.

Adorable eh? Well if you don't agree then bar humbug to you. For a Monday I am in a surprisingly good mood, I'll suffice to say it's because I went chore mad tonight. Rolled in from work despite having a £10,000 fall through with an uncharacteristically jovial mood, looked forward to cleaning out both buns (my substitute for kids-much like my sister), put the white-yet-also-multi-coloured washing on, cooked the dinner, re-wrote my CV in preparation for a rather important interview tomorrow night, and wrote my blog. Hurrah for a successful Monday! Let's hope tomorrow is even more successful. Big day tomorrow, I am actually hiding my quiveringly obvious nerves quite well through text.

Most irritating thing that happened today:

Discovered I had lost my camera. One of many, but of second-most importance. I can't exactly take my Hasselblad to Madeira with me can I?

Nicest thing I devoured today:

Close call, the Chenin Blanc I was given for passing a buyer to a surveyor (did I mention how easy my job is?) and the chocolate pudding, the proper one from M&S that I hoovered up in less time than it took to cook it.

Thing I am most looking forward to tonight:

Going to bed with newly washed bedsheets and pj's. Amazing feeling.

Best song tonight:

Artist's Block

I haven't managed to inspire myself recently so the posts have been fewer and far between, apologies to all those who read my blog, (why don't you have a life!?).

Here I sit, desk in the window, looking pensively out longing to be trimming the edges of my neatly manicured lawn. Oh the joy of working on a Saturday, how it thrills me, more so that because I am going on holiday next week (yay!) I am working next Saturday too. Terrific. Can't wait, can you tell from my genuine enthusiasm that I am delighted to be providing my time and effort once again next week? Well, I am not. But anyway, back to the holiday...yes I am poor, no I cannot afford it and yes I don't care. I am spending a week reading books, (probably one, the pace I read at) attempting to bronze my rather anaemic body, drinking copious amounts of cheap Spanish vino and sleeping. I am absolutely ecstatic, only trouble is I shall miss my rabbits dearly. If anyone is interested, this is where I'm staying. Shall update you on my return, no doubt there will be horror stories, there always are.

Back to title of this post, I have been trying, admittedly not very hard, to get back into painting. Thus far, success has not been a word I can relate to. I have gathered images from many supportive fellow colleagues, but have only managed to complete one painting in 2 months, which actually took me 7 hours. So you could say I've done bugger all since, and you would be correct. However, my not so little ears (thanks Dad and Grandad) pricked as a colleague of mine mentioned he would pay rather big bucks for a painting of the Hong Kong skyline. I have a number of images to generate such a painting, just no bloody time to do it. Perhaps after I've stretched my credit card to its limits I shall kick myself into getting it started.

Chores this weekend that will certainly not get done:
Ironing again, yes I will never learn that if you don't wash your clothes and just continue to buy more, more will eventually need washing at some point.
Cleaning the bathroom. The less said about this weekly duty the better.
Hoovering up the hay; my darling Poppy lives indoors...and so does her mess.

Daftest choice of film last night:
The Hills Have Eyes. More like 'You freak, you have eyes don't you so why are you watching this film?' Unnecessary, in a word. Switched off to watch Big Brother, even more of a waste of time.

Nicest thing I'm going to eat this weekend:
Mum and Dad's Roast/BBQ/dessert tonight.

Good film and even better still, music:

The Painted Veil.

Sunday Slumber

Here is my first meme. No clue as to what that is, but here goes:

1) What were you doing ten years' ago?

I was 13 going on 14...my ugly duckling stage, blonde hair growing out to brown, ridiculous set of braces with coloured bands (so 90's) and my Sporty Spice obsession. Yes, all I wore was Ellesse t shirts, Adidas popper trousers, Nike trainers (nothing less) with no make up. And I wondered why I was one of the last to get a boyfriend. Was very popular however at school at this age, as I had just grown out of the cute Sophie, and was ever increasing my talent of being the rebel Sophie, who got away with murder and held the record for the most after-school detentions. Great fun, I loved being respected. Felt sorry for my poor Mother though, who, teaches at the school still to this day, and who usually found out I hadn't done my homework and was in trouble before I did. Grr the staffroom, and grr the ever scary Madame Hearne. She was my French and German teacher, oh what luck, having her for both. She adored my straight A student sister, even though my accent was better, and hated me. I was described as a 'Walkman' by her,'constantly on in the background' so I did what every proud teenager does, quit French just to spite her and replaced it with IT. I was better at German anyway, and only having her twice her week was much less of a headache.

2) What 5 things are on your to-do list today?

Hoovering, although this I will probably make Tom do. I hate hoovering, so awkward and clumsy, and I'm constantly taking chunks out of the walls from wrenching the goddamn thing round the corners of my maze of a hallway.
Clean out Binky, although it's raining so this might be put off til later...
Try not to dread tomorrow so much. I hate working when I know I've got 6 days, so depressing, and my gosh does the time go slowly,yawn.
Change the sheets, this I am sure is meant to be done more frequently, but I really hate stretching my double sized sheet over my King-sized mattress.
Go to Mum and Dad's for Grandad's 96th Birthday dinner...hurrah something fun that involves no cooking.

3) What snacks do you enjoy?

I actually only snack at work, because it's so dull, and in that time I usually eat Tracker bars, and Nutri-grain Bars (trying to be healthy). At home, my current snack is Snickers Ice Cream. Amazing, in a word.

4) What would you do with a billion dollars?

Pay off my mortgage, buy the matching wallet to my Mulberry Mabel Handbag, buy a Z4 even though I'm not old enough to be insured on it, pay for my parent's build, probably buy my sister a flat in London with a garden terrace for the rabbits, and give the rest away.

5) List the places you have lived:

Walton-On-Thames
Pyrford
Woking
Surbiton
Weybridge

6) List the jobs you have held:

Very sick of writing this as have just done my CV but here you have it:
Waitress/Pimms server/Barmaid/Chalet attendant/Coffee shop worker for the lovely Wisley Gardens, Surrey.
Barmaid at Slug and Lettuce, best job.
Administrator at M-Tec, for a week.
Sales advisor in Bernards, fun job, good discounts on amazing designer clobber.
Current position, Sales Negotiator for Curchods Estate Agents (one of very few still standing).

7) List the people you'd like to know more about:

Them, and her.

Saddest Song in Disney

Daffodils, Dejection and Devotion

I wander'd lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Poetry is about the only thing that is getting through these desperate times. The ultimate escapism that comes from fiction and the 'other' world out there is providing me with some solace that things can get better. I do not think I have ever been in a more distant place as I am currently, never before have I been so unaware of myself and what I am searching for. I am confused and nervous, dejected and uncertain. My mind is buzzing with excitement one minute, down and out the next. Getting myself out of this rut is going to be a tough one.

I have however, recently enjoyed a tremendous film and yet another excuse to pardon myself from thinking about current issues...and it came to me in the form of Narnia, Prince Caspian. I so enjoyed this film that halfway through I actually turned to my other half and said,

'I am really enjoying this, I mean seriously, I feel quite elated I am so happy'

He looked at me a little oddly, but smiled, as if to appreciate my childlike fervent attitude. If you haven't seen it, go forth and do just that. NB, if you haven't seen the first one, do that first.

Other than the odd dinner out, proving more costly than my bank balance can take at the moment, I haven't been doing a great deal in my meagre spare time aside from the gardening. I have devotedly resurrected a rose in my garden, which was a very small, albeit still very significant rose that my mother had passed onto me as a house plant. Survive in the tropics that is my house, it didn't. It whimpered and flopped in about 5 days, drowning in all its water. This greatly upset me, seeing a gift given to me wither and die before my eyes, perhaps metaphoric of my career at present, short-lived and suffering. So, giving it one last chance I pulled off the dead leaves, that came away in my fingertips like a well cooked chicken sliding off the bone, dug a small hole in the front of the Imperata cylindrica (nice contrast depending on what colour the rose turns out to be), gave it some compost and planted it with a silent wish. Low and behold, with limited but sufficient watering 4 days later, new buds have appeared, and the little beauty is blossoming...not quite literally yet.

Maybe there is hope after all.