Thursday, 3 July 2008
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Daffodils, Dejection and Devotion
I wander'd lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
Poetry is about the only thing that is getting through these desperate times. The ultimate escapism that comes from fiction and the 'other' world out there is providing me with some solace that things can get better. I do not think I have ever been in a more distant place as I am currently, never before have I been so unaware of myself and what I am searching for. I am confused and nervous, dejected and uncertain. My mind is buzzing with excitement one minute, down and out the next. Getting myself out of this rut is going to be a tough one.
I have however, recently enjoyed a tremendous film and yet another excuse to pardon myself from thinking about current issues...and it came to me in the form of Narnia, Prince Caspian. I so enjoyed this film that halfway through I actually turned to my other half and said,
'I am really enjoying this, I mean seriously, I feel quite elated I am so happy'
He looked at me a little oddly, but smiled, as if to appreciate my childlike fervent attitude. If you haven't seen it, go forth and do just that. NB, if you haven't seen the first one, do that first.
Other than the odd dinner out, proving more costly than my bank balance can take at the moment, I haven't been doing a great deal in my meagre spare time aside from the gardening. I have devotedly resurrected a rose in my garden, which was a very small, albeit still very significant rose that my mother had passed onto me as a house plant. Survive in the tropics that is my house, it didn't. It whimpered and flopped in about 5 days, drowning in all its water. This greatly upset me, seeing a gift given to me wither and die before my eyes, perhaps metaphoric of my career at present, short-lived and suffering. So, giving it one last chance I pulled off the dead leaves, that came away in my fingertips like a well cooked chicken sliding off the bone, dug a small hole in the front of the Imperata cylindrica (nice contrast depending on what colour the rose turns out to be), gave it some compost and planted it with a silent wish. Low and behold, with limited but sufficient watering 4 days later, new buds have appeared, and the little beauty is blossoming...not quite literally yet.
Maybe there is hope after all.
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
Poetry is about the only thing that is getting through these desperate times. The ultimate escapism that comes from fiction and the 'other' world out there is providing me with some solace that things can get better. I do not think I have ever been in a more distant place as I am currently, never before have I been so unaware of myself and what I am searching for. I am confused and nervous, dejected and uncertain. My mind is buzzing with excitement one minute, down and out the next. Getting myself out of this rut is going to be a tough one.
I have however, recently enjoyed a tremendous film and yet another excuse to pardon myself from thinking about current issues...and it came to me in the form of Narnia, Prince Caspian. I so enjoyed this film that halfway through I actually turned to my other half and said,
'I am really enjoying this, I mean seriously, I feel quite elated I am so happy'
He looked at me a little oddly, but smiled, as if to appreciate my childlike fervent attitude. If you haven't seen it, go forth and do just that. NB, if you haven't seen the first one, do that first.
Other than the odd dinner out, proving more costly than my bank balance can take at the moment, I haven't been doing a great deal in my meagre spare time aside from the gardening. I have devotedly resurrected a rose in my garden, which was a very small, albeit still very significant rose that my mother had passed onto me as a house plant. Survive in the tropics that is my house, it didn't. It whimpered and flopped in about 5 days, drowning in all its water. This greatly upset me, seeing a gift given to me wither and die before my eyes, perhaps metaphoric of my career at present, short-lived and suffering. So, giving it one last chance I pulled off the dead leaves, that came away in my fingertips like a well cooked chicken sliding off the bone, dug a small hole in the front of the Imperata cylindrica (nice contrast depending on what colour the rose turns out to be), gave it some compost and planted it with a silent wish. Low and behold, with limited but sufficient watering 4 days later, new buds have appeared, and the little beauty is blossoming...not quite literally yet.
Maybe there is hope after all.
Sunday, 22 June 2008
To Stay or To Go
To where though?
I am in the unfortunate position of accepting redundancy in less than 6 months or to cut and run now. Yes, the payout might be nice, but with all the staff they will have to 'out' the money might amount to less than my basic, which trust me, is not something to write Blog about. And also there's the uncharacteristic pride that I have at 23, I do not wish to be sacked or made redundant at such a young age, my father was never fired, always left with his dignity and I feel as though I should tread the same path.
My problem is, I am young, fairly ambitious, extremely curious and money hungry (excuse this sounding a little like a covering letter in attendance with my CV, and no I will not attach it to this post). I was always pretty good at most subjects, lazy as hell at school and can state with confidence that if I'd worked as hard as some i.e. my sister, I would have a achieved a grade higher in all my exams. But the truth is, I hated working, I had a nice life outside of school and all I wanted to do was play. Now I am grown up, I still love to play, but this time everything costs the earth. I now remain incredibly unfocused on a career in well, anything! I enjoy everything to an extent, and then once I've 'got it' I get bored and look towards something else. I am sure being a fairly logical person that I am capable of most things, so where is that box on totaljobs.com? I am struggling to search for positions because I do not know what the hell to do. This is pretty much eating me up inside. All I know is there isn't a confused.com for 23 year olds' who graduated in a degree without any major career prospects.
Hmmm, the above aside (finding this hard to shove to the back of my mind but still...) my garden is looking stupendous as per, and my rabbits are as usual spoilt and content. Managed to clean my entire house this morning AND do the food shopping...go me. Shame it's back to work tomorrow and a lovely 6 day week to look forward to...woohoo bring on the next 60 hours til freedom comes once again.
Best song in the car:
Don't Break My Heart, UB40
Crappest job to do when cleaning the bathroom:
Shower screen (even Cif is crap these days, I'm sure it's since the 'if' lost the J)
Time I am most likely to wake up at this morning due to unwanted birds:
5am.
Sneezes today:
75.
I am in the unfortunate position of accepting redundancy in less than 6 months or to cut and run now. Yes, the payout might be nice, but with all the staff they will have to 'out' the money might amount to less than my basic, which trust me, is not something to write Blog about. And also there's the uncharacteristic pride that I have at 23, I do not wish to be sacked or made redundant at such a young age, my father was never fired, always left with his dignity and I feel as though I should tread the same path.
My problem is, I am young, fairly ambitious, extremely curious and money hungry (excuse this sounding a little like a covering letter in attendance with my CV, and no I will not attach it to this post). I was always pretty good at most subjects, lazy as hell at school and can state with confidence that if I'd worked as hard as some i.e. my sister, I would have a achieved a grade higher in all my exams. But the truth is, I hated working, I had a nice life outside of school and all I wanted to do was play. Now I am grown up, I still love to play, but this time everything costs the earth. I now remain incredibly unfocused on a career in well, anything! I enjoy everything to an extent, and then once I've 'got it' I get bored and look towards something else. I am sure being a fairly logical person that I am capable of most things, so where is that box on totaljobs.com? I am struggling to search for positions because I do not know what the hell to do. This is pretty much eating me up inside. All I know is there isn't a confused.com for 23 year olds' who graduated in a degree without any major career prospects.
Hmmm, the above aside (finding this hard to shove to the back of my mind but still...) my garden is looking stupendous as per, and my rabbits are as usual spoilt and content. Managed to clean my entire house this morning AND do the food shopping...go me. Shame it's back to work tomorrow and a lovely 6 day week to look forward to...woohoo bring on the next 60 hours til freedom comes once again.
Best song in the car:
Don't Break My Heart, UB40
Crappest job to do when cleaning the bathroom:
Shower screen (even Cif is crap these days, I'm sure it's since the 'if' lost the J)
Time I am most likely to wake up at this morning due to unwanted birds:
5am.
Sneezes today:
75.
Monday, 16 June 2008
Glorious Gardens
I have recently discovered a fab blog http://martagon.blogspot.com/ and since this I feel it only natural, pardon the pun, to celebrate my beautiful garden of only one year....and to add in a few lovelies from the Eden Project.
Enjoy!.......Mine:
Eden's:
Sunday, 15 June 2008
Getting Old
Today seeing my grandfather who is 95 and very frail struck me with one of those moments, that despite still looking 17, I am no longer 'young'. I have reached an age where I feel like any career decisions made in the next year or so are crucial, and that I really should start using anti-wrinkle cream on my decolletage, and that I should really take my make-up off before bed and stop wearing short skirts designed for 16 year olds.
The trouble is I still can get away with being young-ish, this is heightened by the fact that despite being over the legal drinking age by nearly 6 years, I still get asked for ID, even at the petrol station...the words 'I thought you were joy-riding' did not go down too well when I pulled up at the pump aged 19 and late for work as you can imagine. I am also struggling with the concept of getting my hair cut to a more suitable style, as my boyfriend often suggests as he looks at my ever so bland, dead straight locks from day to day. The issue with this is, I hate doing my hair, it is the biggest hassle of getting ready in the mornings and if Mr GHD hadn't arrived when he did, my hair would still resemble that of the contents of a pot noodle most days. Plus my face is still slightly pudgy (another trait that has not left me since my youth) so a shorter hair cut will only emphasise the roundness of my cheeks and the Wallace-ness of my chin. So what other options are there? I suppose when I've got 5 hours for my hair to dry naturally it looks OK but then I am still left with my roots that I swear grow quicker than the length of my hair suggests.
Other foibles of my body are my inheritance of my Dad's skinny legs and knobbly knees (gosh I am painting a stunning picture here for those who don't know me). So, when I look in the mirror I forget that I am nearing the age of 24 and that I need to start taking life seriously, and not carry on watching Disney with my also quite young minded friends and crying when I can't do something. So why have I not mentally grown up? Has the sense of responsibility not hit home that I have a house to keep up, a mortgage to pay and two very cheeky rabbits to look after? I suppose after dancing round the sitting room with my older and equally as immature sister to music on 'The Hits' indicates it hasn't.
The trouble is I still can get away with being young-ish, this is heightened by the fact that despite being over the legal drinking age by nearly 6 years, I still get asked for ID, even at the petrol station...the words 'I thought you were joy-riding' did not go down too well when I pulled up at the pump aged 19 and late for work as you can imagine. I am also struggling with the concept of getting my hair cut to a more suitable style, as my boyfriend often suggests as he looks at my ever so bland, dead straight locks from day to day. The issue with this is, I hate doing my hair, it is the biggest hassle of getting ready in the mornings and if Mr GHD hadn't arrived when he did, my hair would still resemble that of the contents of a pot noodle most days. Plus my face is still slightly pudgy (another trait that has not left me since my youth) so a shorter hair cut will only emphasise the roundness of my cheeks and the Wallace-ness of my chin. So what other options are there? I suppose when I've got 5 hours for my hair to dry naturally it looks OK but then I am still left with my roots that I swear grow quicker than the length of my hair suggests.
Other foibles of my body are my inheritance of my Dad's skinny legs and knobbly knees (gosh I am painting a stunning picture here for those who don't know me). So, when I look in the mirror I forget that I am nearing the age of 24 and that I need to start taking life seriously, and not carry on watching Disney with my also quite young minded friends and crying when I can't do something. So why have I not mentally grown up? Has the sense of responsibility not hit home that I have a house to keep up, a mortgage to pay and two very cheeky rabbits to look after? I suppose after dancing round the sitting room with my older and equally as immature sister to music on 'The Hits' indicates it hasn't.
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Buddy
I love Buddy Holly. I can still recall the moment when I was at a Buddy concert and I got thrown the actor's plectrum...absolutely delighted I was, until some older girl next to me nicked it off me. I will never be able to count how many tears I cried on the coach back, I loved that pick, and that concert. Still 'raving on' to this day, Buddy will never leave my track list!
Today was a mixed day, I seem to have involuntarily adopted the role of receptionist as well as negotiator, and of course washer-upper of disgusting teaspoons left for days in the sink. Our beloved, and ever so slightly eccentric secretary is off on holiday this week, and as my manager (as competent as he is) is as organised as Gordon Brown, he has managed to plonk all of her work onto my desk. This I am not amused by, but seeing as I am bored out of my brain most days, the added work is actually of interest to me! Now I know I'm in trouble.
Bedtime now, for once this week, I would like to have an uninterrupted night's sleep, seeing as the birds get up at 2am where I live, so sleeping with the window is not an option. Wish me luck...goodnight all!
Today was a mixed day, I seem to have involuntarily adopted the role of receptionist as well as negotiator, and of course washer-upper of disgusting teaspoons left for days in the sink. Our beloved, and ever so slightly eccentric secretary is off on holiday this week, and as my manager (as competent as he is) is as organised as Gordon Brown, he has managed to plonk all of her work onto my desk. This I am not amused by, but seeing as I am bored out of my brain most days, the added work is actually of interest to me! Now I know I'm in trouble.
Bedtime now, for once this week, I would like to have an uninterrupted night's sleep, seeing as the birds get up at 2am where I live, so sleeping with the window is not an option. Wish me luck...goodnight all!
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Fingers and Toes
.....crossed.
I am praying for a few things to happen soon.
Firstly, I would LOVE my sister who is a brilliant, yet often disturbing, writer to get published. I have not read the entirety of her book, but I have read and heard enough to know it's better than some of the crap I choose at the airport last minute. Therefore, it has to be published, so I am hoping with all my might that it does.
Secondly, I am hoping to either sell a dozen houses in the next couple of months or find a new job that will actually accept and pay me lots of money. Well, I don't want lots of money, just enough so I don't wince at spending 500 quid on a handbag...so I guess that's about 60k a year then! As egotistical as I am, even I don't think I am worth that much. 40k would be nice though...I'll keep dreaming.
Thirdly, and certainly not lastly, I am praying that my adorable parents get planning permission on their house. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Guildford Borough Council, don't be miserable bastards, say yes! you know you want to!
Aside from the above, my life has not been too bad at all lately, furniture for 2nd bedroom is arriving on Wednesday, hurrah! Very excited about this...I can finally fit all three of my computers/macs on one desk. And my boyfriend is being extra specially nice to me, took me out for a much needed dinner last night. Fajitas by the lake, yum, of course with wine, just a simple Chablis, yum. Couldn't manage pudding, although I did come home and succumb to a Snickers ice cream.
Most random thing I heard today:
That my colleague has a poltergeist living in his house who proceeded to punch him in the face in the middle of last night and then throw him across the room resulting in an immaculately cut foot. Freaky stuff.
Most important chore of the day (which has still not been done):
Ironing...still. I really really really hate it.
Best song tonight:
I am praying for a few things to happen soon.
Firstly, I would LOVE my sister who is a brilliant, yet often disturbing, writer to get published. I have not read the entirety of her book, but I have read and heard enough to know it's better than some of the crap I choose at the airport last minute. Therefore, it has to be published, so I am hoping with all my might that it does.
Secondly, I am hoping to either sell a dozen houses in the next couple of months or find a new job that will actually accept and pay me lots of money. Well, I don't want lots of money, just enough so I don't wince at spending 500 quid on a handbag...so I guess that's about 60k a year then! As egotistical as I am, even I don't think I am worth that much. 40k would be nice though...I'll keep dreaming.
Thirdly, and certainly not lastly, I am praying that my adorable parents get planning permission on their house. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Guildford Borough Council, don't be miserable bastards, say yes! you know you want to!
Aside from the above, my life has not been too bad at all lately, furniture for 2nd bedroom is arriving on Wednesday, hurrah! Very excited about this...I can finally fit all three of my computers/macs on one desk. And my boyfriend is being extra specially nice to me, took me out for a much needed dinner last night. Fajitas by the lake, yum, of course with wine, just a simple Chablis, yum. Couldn't manage pudding, although I did come home and succumb to a Snickers ice cream.
Most random thing I heard today:
That my colleague has a poltergeist living in his house who proceeded to punch him in the face in the middle of last night and then throw him across the room resulting in an immaculately cut foot. Freaky stuff.
Most important chore of the day (which has still not been done):
Ironing...still. I really really really hate it.
Best song tonight:
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